The Sky was Dark Though, was it Not?
by Flywheel Shyster and Flywheel
Summary: "For the record, have you ever rode a horse? Like for you to take me to Pluto!" I said; "Of course!" Picture, if you will, a lemur sipping a cup of tea with an owl in a hammock, swinging back and forth. Then know that the guy who is playing the bagpipes blindfolded in Cincinnati is probably the most logical thing in this story. Even though he's technically not in the story.
1. Little Red Riding Hood

Ed: _I play a shiny little teapot!_

Eddy: **Shut up Ed, this isn't Alice in Wonderland!**

Double-D: It could be. I mean, it's wicked enough.

Eddy: **Put a sock in it Sock Head.**

* * *

The sun was shining. Somewhere else. Dark clouds were gathered around Peach Creek; rain pouring down, shattering the local flora with the heavy drops, thunder crashing over the head of:

"I am red!" The little Yellow-Riding-Hood.

**Shut up and walk Lumpy!** I, Eddward Double-D, and Eddy serve as narrators for this unfortunate tale about: **The moron who couldn't find his own di- **Eddy! **What? **The Little Yellow-Riding Hood. **This oughta be good.**

"I am a walking little elf!" The little Yellow-Riding-Hood, who was the older brother of the little Red-Riding-Witch- ***cough*Bitch!*cough***, who unlike his sister, who received her name from the clothing she wore, received his name by the color of his skin. **We have a black president but it's still a racist world. **The young boy's skin had been turned an unhealthy yellow shade due to his chronic liver failure thanks to untreated Wilson's disease. In the end, it was a miracle that he was still walking.

"Walking, walking, walking!" **Sock Head, the moron? **Oh yes! This very special day, the little Yellow- **Little? He's 5'9, weighs over 130 and can cut down a tree with an uncut toenail!** I stand by my statement. If I can continue, on this special day, the little- **Hah!** – Yellow-Riding-Hood was visiting his sickly grandmother, wandering over the fields of corn, skipping under the rainbow-

"I'm skipping to my Lou!" **I thought it was raining? **Who's telling the story here? **Obviously not you.** Let's take a short recess.

* * *

There we are! Much better! **Get me out of here!** We have now agreed that I will read you the first part, Eddy the second part and Ed a milk carton. **Get on with it! **Right, right.

"Skippety skip Skipper!" **What did he say?** Oh hush! The little Yellow-Riding-Hood was skipping away, under the rainbow, over the corn fields, under the rainbow again before he realized he had skipped in a perfect circle around the deep, dark forest.

"I am a lump!" The little Yellow-Riding-Hood skipped right into **a tree!** "Look at the stars!" Indeed he did, the young boy had skipped right into a enormous Dutch Elm, marking the beginning of the deep, dark forest. Thus starting the little Yellow-Riding-Hood's journey through the forest. You thought I would be thrown off by that, didn't you Eddy? **Shut up and tell the story!**

"Over the rainbow, I will find Lemon Drops!" Not the right story Ed. "My mistake Mister Double-Narrator!" Over sticks and stones, the young fellow skipped. Skip after skip after skip. When suddenly!

"That had to hurt!" The Yellow-Riding-Hood fell forward, crushing several small insects as he made contact with the earth. Behind him stood the cause of the fall, it was the

"**Biggest!"** –Shortest-

"**Kindest!" –**Nastiest-

"**Generous!"** -Greediest-

"**Handsomest!" -** Most selfish wolf in the entire woods, Eddy McWolf! **McWolf, seriously? What is this; Back to the Future IV, The Curse of the Teen Wolf?**

"My brain stopped the fall!" The little Yellow-Riding-Hood raised his head with a goofy smile plastered on his bruised face. "Or my fall stopped the brain!"

"Brain… Good one…" The wolf stopped a sarcastic laugh. "So, where you too Lumpy?"

"Uhm…" The cogs in the poor boy's brain started to grind as he pulled out some cards that his father had written to him in case of a situation like this. "'Nid wyf yn gallu aros a siarad am yr wyf yn ymweld â'm diabetig-"Upside-down Ed, upside-down! "What?"

"Oh for heaven's sake!" Suddenly, a young man wearing a beanie on his head rushed in from stage left, grabbed the card in the Yellow-Riding-Hood's hand upside-down only to the rush out again.

"Thank you Narrat-D!" He laughed goofily before resuming to reading the card. "'I cannot stay and talk for I am visiting my diabolic-'" Diabetic Ed. "'-grandmother in the forest with this basket-'" He extracted his arm that very well had a basket on it. "'- of Jawbreakers so that she will not suffocate.'" Suffer Ed, suffer!

"JAWBREAKERS?" The wolf exclaimed, eyes growing bigger in excitement by the minute.

"I am nice to make your acquaintance!" The little Yellow-Riding-Hood turned around, slamming the wolf into a tree with the help of his basket. So onward, the merry boy skipped.

"Double-D?" Yes Eddy? The wolf groaned, standing up and cracking his back in pain. "What the heck do I do now?" Haven't you ever read this story? "… Do I look like the kinda guy who reads fairytales? I read manly magazines!" Yes, we all remember _those _magazines Eddy. But if I understand this screenplay right, you are to take a shorter route through the forest to the grandmother's house and… Simply eat her. "That seems simple enough. Well, your turn Sock Head!" … M-My turn?

* * *

"I will get you for this." **In the red house in the middle of the forest lived an old lady. The lump's grandmother! Gray hair sticking out from underneath the knitted cap that she made for herself all those lonely years ago. Now all she had was her ants. **"Eddy, please stick to a liable narrative, we don't want to confuse them even more."

"It's too late for that granny!" **Suddenly, the door slammed open when the most handsome wolf anybody had ever seen entered the house with swagga'!**

"'Swagga' Eddy? Seriously?" **Stick to the story liver spot! **"The day I can get regular friends… Well hello young man! Would you like to have a warm cup of tea?" **The old lady asked the charming fella.**

"Tea? Heck, I'm here to eat you hag!"

"You have to speak up; my hearing is not what it used to be!" **In a- **Frail voice she replied- **Hey, hey, who's telling the story here?**

"I said: I'm here to eat you, hag!"

"You're here to feed the cat?"

"I'm here to eat you, hag!"

"You're here to feat two bags?"

"I'M HERE TO EAT YOU, HAG!"

"You're here to meet the fag?"

"I SAID I'M- Fuck this." **So the wolf took the senile old witch and swallowed her whole. **"Just like chicken." **Suddenly!**

"I am Ed, your grandson and I am her to feet you lots and lots of foot!" **The wolf panicked when the lump banged on the door but then thought of a cunning plan to trick the moron.**

"Just a minute dear!" **He responded in a… **Frail Eddy, frail- **Frail voice, rushing into the old woman's closet and threw himself under the covers of the bed, now dressed in outdated rags. **"Come in dear!"

"Knock knock!" **The entire door flew right across the room and into the wall! The wolf looked at the moron- **That's it mister!

* * *

As said, when the little-Yellow-Riding-Hood knocked on the door, the hinges collapsed under the massive weight of the knock and the door traveled a short distance to end up being lodged in the wall right across the room.

"I am Ed and you are hungry!" The wolf was strategically placed under the covers, only the bright yellow eyes were visible under the huge nightcap.

"Hand over the basket moro- My child!" The wolf smiled at the thought of the majestic sugar coated orbs.

"But grandma! What big eyes you have! Are you taking your medication?" The young man dropped the basket to walk over to the bed and grab his 'grandmother's head, to stretch out his/her eyes to an abnormal size.

"It's because-"Tears were welling up in the wolf's eyes. "I'll be able to see you better!"

"What big nose you have!" The young man released his 'grandmother's eyes just to embrace the latter in a bone crushing hug.

"It's-"The wolf took a deep breath but exhaled quickly when he found that his 'big nose' was pressed against the little-Yellow-Riding-Hood's arm pit. "Because I'll be able to… Smell that… Sweet smell of yours…"

"You really-"

"Hold up."The wolf raised a hand in front of the young man's face and released himself from the powerful embrace. "Is this the part where I eat his retarded ass?" It is indeed Eddy; though I wouldn't quite use the term 'retarded'. "Good." The wolf got back into the embrace and cleared his throat. "Continue lumpy."

"You really are short!"

"That's…" The wolf started to grind his teeth."So I can… See your nostrils better."

"Someone sure has gone bald!"

"That's…" Uhm… Ed? I don't think you should- "So I can swim... Faster…"

"Not to talk about his flat head of yours!"

"THAT'S IT! FUCK THIS STORY!"

* * *

"Come here Lumpy!" Eddy shot up from the armchair and chased after Ed, tearing down a great deal of the furniture in the process.

"Come back here you two! Pardon me Jimmy; I will stop their rampage of destruction." With that, Double-D left the bedroom as well, placing the book of tales on the bed. "Gentlemen, please!"

"25 cents to read a bedtime story my vanilla shaded bottom." With that, the young boy turned around and tried to fall asleep whilst the destruction of his house continued in the wake of Ed, Edd n Eddy.


	2. The Night Before Christmas

Eddy: **I thought this was a onetime thing!**

Double-D: Apparently not. I was looking forward to leaving this retched thing behind.

Ed: CHRISTMAS TIME GUYS!

Eddy: **Real original, Christmas chapter in December!**

Double-D: Let's just get this started.

Eddy: **Shouldn't we-**

Double-D: Thank you for the reminder, I completely forgot about it. PAY CLOSE ATTENTION SINCE ITALICS MEANS STORY! The rest is just colorful commentary really.

Eddy: **Ho ho ho.**

* * *

"Very well then, shall we see if we can't do this more civilized this time?"

"I still don't get why we gotta do this!"

"Because you two trashed Jimmy's entire house during the last reading."

"Ed provoked me!"

"Not this time Eddy, I have to be a good boy or Santa won't come with presents!" Once again, the three Eds' were gathered in Jimmy's bedroom to read him a bedtime story.

"Still don't get why you offered him ten more stories..." Eddy was leaning cockily against Jimmy's dresser, poking around in his mouth with a tooth pick.

"It was the decent thing to do Eddy since you wouldn't give a sincere apology!" Double-D was seated in the armchair, book in hand. "Well, let's begin with the reading, shall we?"

"What's tonight's story Double-D?" Jimmy was already in bed, cover pulled up to his chin in excitement; he found that the Ed's different narratives added gusto to the story.

"Well, since we are a mere twelve days from Christmas-"

"TWELVE PIPERS PIPING; OH BOY, OH BOY!"

"I thought we'd read something fitting with that very theme!" Double-D decided to ignore Ed's sidetracking; the latter had thrown the window open to look for twelve piper's piping.

"Uhm, Cratchit? Christmas's tomorrow."

"Really? Could've sworn it was twelve days left. Time sure does move fast nowadays..."

"Could we get this over with? I got things to do!"

"Like?" Double-D raised a skeptic eyebrow.

"Like... Uh..." Eddy blanked. "Just read the damn thing."

'_Ha!_' Double-D mouthed to Eddy in triumph. "Now, imagine that..."

* * *

_Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house_

* * *

"Aight, I gotta stop ya' here! What in the name of all that is holy is 'twas'?"

"It was."

"What was it?"

"It means 'it was'."

"It was?"

"Yes."

"I'm confused guys, what was it?"

"It was 'it was'!"

"Oh, I thought it wasn't!"

"Wasn't it 'was it' though?"

"Gentlemen, 'Twas' means 'It was'." Double-D groaned inwardly at the sidetracking. If Eddy's comments weren't going to be enough, Ed's definitely were.

"Why don't you just say that 'it was' then?"

"Because it's in the story!"

"It's old and stupid, that's what 'twas.'"

"As I was saying!"

* * *

_Not a creature was stirring,__** except the Kankers' who were aroused.**_

Eddy! **What? Just adding gusto to the story! **There's a difference between 'flavor' and 'people who scar you for life'! I'm hungry guys! Ed, why don't you go to the kitchen and see what you can find! Off like an elf Double-D! **You just wanted to get rid of him, didn't you? **... Yes. Let's continue.

_Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse_  
_The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,  
In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there._

**HOLD IT! Who the hell is St Nicholas? **Santa Claus. **What? **It's an older name for him. **Really? **Yes. Along with Father Christmas and Kris Kringle. **... What the f-**

_The children were nestled all snug in their beds,  
__**While freaking out about burglars through chimneys in red  
**__And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,_  
_**Agreed we dress like old folks and would visit The Gap**_

... Eddy, you're not funny. **I think this is comedy gold! HEY MONOBROW, FETCH ME SOME NOG! **YOU WANT ANYTHING DOUBLE-D? A GLASS OF WATER PLEASE, ED! What am I doing, why am I encouraging them?

_When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,_  
_**Man, if that's Santa Claus, he must be older and fatter**_  
_Away to the window I flew like a flash,  
__**Glancing at my dear friend who was sky high on- **_Eddy!

_The moon on the breast- _Oh my...-_ of the new-fallen snow  
__**Made ol' Frosty look like a nipple way down there below**_**  
**I walked right into that one I assume...  
_When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,  
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer._

**Question; the guy is fat as a fucking trucker and he has... A miniature sleigh? **... Apparently. **Like, for kids? **It appears that way. **Pulled by eight baby reindeers? **Yes... **Wow, this story really is old and stupid. **Agreed, a plot hole the size of Vancouver I say... **VANCOUVER? **I MEAN RHODE ISLAND! Good lord, I don't know what came over me... **Damn Canadian, always with their weirdness...**

_With a little old driver, so lively and quick,  
__**Oh come on, the only thing that rhymes with that has to be di- **__St. Nick!_

**Ah... That makes more sense. **Doesn't it?

_More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,  
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!  
_  
_**"Now Elton, now John, now guy in the navy!  
On Tom, Jones, Osmosis, on Rudolph and **__Gravy__**!**__**  
**__To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!  
__**Break that ugly thing down, don't save anything at all!**_

_As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,  
__**He steered them so carelessly, you would think he was high**__  
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,  
With the sleigh full of Toys, and St Nicholas too.  
_  
_And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof  
__**The panting and groaning of eight tired reindeer's hoofs  
Carrying around that fatty's a job for itself**__  
As I turned around though, down the chimney came said elf_

**Nice save there! **Why thank you Eddy!

_He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,  
**PETA's on his ass constantly, barely approve of the boots**_  
_A bundle of Toys he had flung on his back,  
**And for you who don't speak great-grandma', a bundle's a sack**_

_His eyes-how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!  
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!  
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,  
**We get it, he's happy, man, this guy works slow**_

_The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,  
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath._

**What kind of story is this? **What now? **Santa himself is sponsored by Camel for fuck's sake! **Eddy, that's not- **If the cookies weren't enough to give him diabetes, he's sure as hell gonna have lung cancer by this time next year!**

"**Mom, what's that?"**

"**Oh, that's nothing dear, that's just Santa coughing up a lung." Why not just introduce crack and weed too, that oughta be just- **SIDETRACKING LIKE MAD HERE!

_He had a broad face and a little round belly,  
__That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!_

JELLY BEANS! **Where? I've been craving those all day!**

_He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,  
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!  
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,  
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.  
_  
_**Decided to trust this fat burglar who was now doing his work  
Filling stockings, putting gifts under the tree faster than a store clerk**__  
And laying his finger aside of his nose,  
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!_

**They probably scored a big line of coke together, hallucinating out of their- **I'M A GOOD ELF! **NO ED NO!**

* * *

"So sorry for this Jimmy!" Double-D rushed to Eddy's aid, the shorter one having sprinted downstairs when they had heard their friend's voice from within the wall, approximately where the chimney would lead past. But Jimmy didn't hear Double-D's apology, he was far gone into dreams about sugar plums and jolly elves. But if Double-D and Eddy weren't thinking of the best way to get their friend out of Jimmy's chimney and if Ed wasn't busy crawling up Jimmy's chimney with a finger glued to the side of his nose and if Jimmy wasn't grinning in his sleep to festive images, they would've first heard the clock on the wall striking twelve times, then footsteps running away from the neighboring house, followed by a whistle. Because, as the old tale goes:

* * *

_**He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,  
**__**And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.  
**__**But I heard him exclaim, 'ere he drove out of sight,  
**__**"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"**_

* * *

"Did you say something Double-D?"

"I thought you did Eddy?"

"**ED, GET DOWN FROM UP THERE!**"

"Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!"


	3. Sherlock Holmes and the Slums of Shaolin

"Yo, Double-D!"

"Yes, Eddy?"

"Can I choose the stor-"

"No-"

"Oh, come on!"

"I was going to say-" It had been some time since the Eds' had paid Jimmy a visit, despite their promise for twelve more bedtime stories; mostly because they wanted to avoid a repeat of their last visit, which resulted in a three hour rescue operation to get Ed out of the chimney into the Christmas morning, but also, of course, because Eddy just plainly hated it. "- No explicit content!"

"What the fuck is that?"

"... Precisely my point."

"Shut up and get to the story!" It had gotten to the point where Jimmy had to lure the three story tellers into a trap using jawbreakers, which they obviously fell into, because as long as the story the three told was entertaining beyond belief, he didn't mind the inevitable destruction that came as a result.

"Right, right." Double-D sighed and waved his hand towards Eddy. "Very well, Eddy; begin the story."

"Hells no, I ain't tellin' no story!" The scammer threw up his hands.

"But you just said-"

"I said _choose _the story, not tell it!"

"Oh, brother... I assume that responsibility falls on me?"

"Not only you, but Ol' Lumpy over there too!"

"You rang?" Ed, who had been tied down to a chair, perked up at the sound of his name. Well, nickname.

"So, we do this-" Jimmy curiously looked on as Eddy reached into his friend's apparently infinitely deep pockets and rummaged around. Double-D just rolled his eyes and sighed again; some politeness from Eddy's side was something he had given up on a long time ago. "- And violin!"

"I'm not even going to..."

"Here we go!" Eddy triumphantly held up a thick, leatherbound book with '_The Collected Adventures of Sherlock Holmes_' for all of them to see.

"'_Sherlock Holmes_'? Yes, I suppose the works of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle would be suitable for this session. Ed, how do you suppose we arrange-"

"Oh, no, Sockhead; this is what _you'll _be reading!" Double-D's hopes and dreams crashed and burned violently when he saw the conniving smile plastered across his friend's face.

"Eddy, whatever-"

"This-" Jimmy emitted an "Oooh!" in excitement when Eddy pulled out a small machete from behind his back and effectively cut Ed free from his shackles before shoving his hand in the newly freed oaf's pocket. "- Is what Ed will be reading!"

"'_Iron Flag; The 9 Diagrams of the W Forever_'? Really, Eddy?"

"And!" Double-D couldn't help himself from a facepalm that could very well rival that of Picard himself. "I will play a random part of a random song at a random time!"

"... Are you quite finished?"

"Oh, I've just begun."

"... Good grief." Double-D sighed yet again and turned from his so-called best friend, who was now leaning on the machete with a manical grin, to the fair skinned boy in the bed who had pulled the covers up to under his nose. "Let's just get it over with."

* * *

_It was a dark and stormy night-_

* * *

"That's the biggest literary cliché there is!"

"Stick to Doy, Sockhead!"

"_SIR _DOYLE!"

"Same shit, different toilet!"

"... Ed, please continue. And I ask that you make it short."

"No can do, Double-D; it's the special edition with all nine parts!"

"... Kill me now."

* * *

_It was a dark and stormy night in the slums of Southern Shaolin. The mist lay tight across the streets and alleyways, hiding away the shady secrets of the slums in the darkness._

_"Hey, you wanna buy some dank shit?"_

_"Half price, man; half price."_

_"For that much, nothing more than a handj-"_ Eddy, I must protest! **You're free to add your narrative too, Doy! **... Doyle. **Whatever; Lumpy, hit it!**

_But in the shadows, the winds whisper of a man; destined to bring peace and prosperity across the city. A man with unfathomable power, not from this world. His name..._ Is Sherlock Holmes._ Good one, Double-D! _Thank you, Ed. Eddy? **What? **Would you mind if I read the main narrative while you and Ed add the details you want along the way? No offence to Ed but I think a comic book lacks the descriptive powers to serve as a proper bedtime story. **You make a good point. Lumpy, detail duty! **_Oh boy! Details!_ If I may? **Go ahead.**

And that man's name was Sherlock Holmes.

It had been many a years since the... Slums had spoken of him, he had become more a stuff of legend than an actual force to be reckoned with. Quite simply because no one, not even his trustworthy companion Doctor Eddy Watson (**Oh, sure; that's mature**), had seen the legendary man since he and his bitter archnemesis, _The Genius_, tumbled off the latter's _transdimensional spaceship_! Ed, what kind of comic books do you read? **Continue!**

It was therefore very peculiar for the good doctor to find himself down at the docks where the mist lay thick _for his transmat teleporter had been beyond repair since the unfortunate event with the IRS! _The IRS? _Internal Rift Service!_

A note had been left to him, only that morning, to be there at precisely eight thirty. So obviously, Doctor Watson was there at quarter past nine. **Oh, ha ha.**

_Suddenly! A sound from the shadows! The young_ doctor _quickly spun around and drew his hyperreal sword Ultracet, blessed and enchanted by his ancestors. _

_"Who treads these dangerous paths? _Holmes, is it you?"

_"Hi-hi-hi!" Was heard from the darkness that surrounded the Shaolin_ doctor.

"Holmes, I'm not appreciating this! _Show yourself, creature of the unknown!"_ A crate behind Watson tumbled over with a loud _*KATSHONG*_ and the good doctor jumped a feet in the air. "Holmes?"

_"NOW YOU DIE,_ DOCTOR WATSON!" _From his left, two ninjas wielding the cursed nunchucks of the dark ruler emereged and attacked him head on._ Watson's time with Holmes had not been in vain though for not only had his reaction time been severely increased, but he could easily predict his attackers' moves before they were made. _With the agility of a mountain lion, he dodged the two servants of the darkness and with a swift motion of Ultracet, he was alone._

The sound of clapping cut through the silence _and in the blink of an eye, he had jumped; sword held high in the air, ready to make kosher meat of the newcomer._ But he had underestimated the man, still enveloped in the darkness, who, with a single move, had Watson pinned to the ground _with his own sword to his throat; threatening to spill the contents of him._

"_**I don't know what you heard about me but a bitch can't make a dollar out of**_ **_me_.**"

"Holmes?"

_"Have I not taught you better, young one?"_ Watson _bowed his head for he knew that his wise master's beard, that had grown long and gray, held many a secrets. _Hear that, Eddy? Ed thinks I'm wise. **Of course you'd be; everyone knows a beard automatically makes you wise!**

"It's been some time since last, old friend." Holmes pulled the doctor up with a single pulled, the latter smiling warmly.

"Indeed it has, Doctor Watson."

"What's with the hat?" Holmes was very well wearing a black hat, made of a soft fabric, that neatly covered all of his hair. **Who died and made you Holmes? **Eddy, you wield a sword. **So? Holmes still kicked Watson's ass! **Continue! **Yeah, continue! **Apologies, Jimmy.

_"It, just as my long beard, holds many a secrets." As he said this, he slowly stroked his beard and Whatsit knew it was so for it was his master who had said it._ Watson, Ed.

"Holmes, old friend; what's with the entourage?" Watson gestured to the... Ninjas who had met their unfortunate demise at the hand of Ultracet. _Good, Double-D!_

_"Dark forces are at work in the slums of Shaolin."_

"Moriarty?"

_"No, far worse than The Genius, young one."_

"Then who?"

_"I possess not the knowledge nor the wisdom to answer that question!"_ **Hah! **_"There are only two beings in this mortal world who do!"_

"Who then, Holmes?"

"_**You know but you actin' like you don't**** know!**_"

"... Come again?"

_"The ones forced into exiled by the dark ruler of all!"_

"You don't mean..."

_"Yes, indeed. The outcasted ones."_

"But... Are they nothing more than a legend?"

_"Oh, no; had tea with them just last week."_

"So, where are they?"

_"Far away; in The Land of a Million Drums!"_

"Asking yet another question; how does one get there?"

_"The journey is not an easy one, quite the opposite; it is a long one and of great difficulty! We must travel across the Shady plains, where no one except the real Shady can speak of ill words, through the lost zone where the Western Shakur and Eastern Wallace villages have raged a terrible war of blood shed for a thousand years, finally reaching Brooklyn where one must convince the ruler Jay-Hova the Young to let you through the mountain pass. It is a journey that requires strategic planning, courage and a whole lot of luck! If we leave at once, there might just be chance we reach the outcasted ones before the great jam festival of the summer!"_

* * *

_"Here we are! The sacred temple of Stankonia!"_ Watson looked around in confusion;_ in one moment, they had stood among the rats down at the docks, in the next, they were standing on the front steps of an enormous temple high up in the mountains_.

"How- How did we get here; I don't remember our apparent long, difficult journey!"

_"Your mind has yet to adapt to the narrative functions of this story! Only when you open up your thoughts to the ancient power of Shaolin can you understand the concept!"_

"_**Baby, you're making it harder, better, faster, stronger!**_"

_"Good to see you still remember the holy words of your father."_ Holmes extended a hand and knocked on the majestic oak gate. Observing the surroundings, for it was the very first thing Holmes had taught him, Watson slowly started to realize; they had been here once before.

"Hello." The gate creaked as it was opened by a well-postured man with a cup of coffee in his hand, a satin robe wrapped around him _with the bunny slippers of doom on his feet._ "Good to meet you both again."

"I was afraid you had forgotten us, _Stacks_."

"Never could I forget the famous Detective Holmes and his companion Doctor Watson." The man bowed deeply, barely keeping the coffee from spilling. "Do enter our humble temple, would you not?"

"It would be our honour." Holmes bowed, allowing Stacks to do the same, leaving a confused Watson to bow twice to the both of them.

"Shall we?"

"We shall." Stacks opened the heavy door fully and stepped aside, letting the two guests stride past him, before closing it with a soft _*SLAM*_

"Nice place you got here." Watson_ barely had enough eyes to take in the glory and riches of the holy temple as they walked down the well-decorated halls, the murals on the walls telling tales from the days of old._

"I say; **_I love the way you_ _move!_**" Holmes said, admiring the enormous mural that covered the ceiling. "The lost city of Idlewild, no doubt?"

"It's better off lost." The good doctor had to stifle a gasp as they entered _the most sacred of the Stankonian halls; the Aqueminarium. Hundred feet from floor to ceiling, the murals in here were even greater, made completely from platinum, and told the legends of flowers, stained with the blood of two timin' hoes, instructions to the holy polariod ritual and the wrathful goddess Ms. Jackson._"If you were to make yourself comfortable, I shall seek out my partner and return shortly." Stacks bowed once before striding out through a small side door.

"Quite impressive, would you not say?"

"Indeed, Holmes; these guys really know what they're doing."

_"The correct word is 'did', my dear Watson; the feared ATLiens have been retired for quite some time now."_ Both Holmes and Watson turned in surprise to see that they were not alone; a man, familiar to both of them, was standing on his knees, his eyes closed. _The temple was intended as a place of peace and so, lonesome travellers could stay there and pray if it suited them._

"Ah, Inspector! Long since last!"

"I could say the same to you, Holmes." The man slowly opened his eyes and exhaled peacefully. "Shaolin has not been the same since you disappeared."

"Oh, you know; I've been here and there."

_"He grew this bitchin' beard too."_ The Inspector stood up and smiled, shaking the hands of the two newcome men.

"So I see. _So, what gives me the immense pleasure of meeting the two of you in the heart of The Land of a Million Drums?_"

"We're just here to ask the outcasts' advice on a matter."

"Aside from the fact that we can file this as a business vacation should the IRS ask." Watson piped in. I say, this is going swell, would you not say, Ed? _Indeed!_

_"Ah, yes; the IRS..."_ The Inspector sighed. _"They've been on my ass constantly that** roses really smell like**** poo-poo-poo!**_" Yes, swell.

"That's far from the truth!" The doctor exclaimed.

"Indeed, Doctor Watson."

"So, Inspector; may one inquire what you're doing far from the Shaolin district?" Holmes raised an eyebrow; he knew for a fact that the Inspector was the sort of man who very rarely left the city limits.

_"I..." He paused. "I needed to gain some new perspective on the situation in Shaolin; as you may or may not know, Holmes, Ghostface Killah sprung Iron Lung from prison last week."_

"You don't mean..."

_"Yes. The Method Man."_

_"The infamous Method Man..._ He was always a slippery one."_ Holmes stroked his beard in thought. _"Has he struck recently?"

"Oh, he struck within the hour of escape!"

_"Gruesome?"_

"Quite so."

_"How so?"_ Watson asked.

_"The Method Man is known for the horrible methods he uses to torture his victims."_ The Inspector shook his head.

_"For example?"_

"Oh, it's too gruesome to speak of."

_"I can take it, Inspector!"_ Ed, I hardly think a bedtime story is the place for gruesome imagery. _Oh, there's a T-rated version that's not that gruesome, Double-D! _Very well then.

"_Very well then; The Method Man broke into the home of one Rolf**Chronomentrophobia, Chronomentrophobia, Chronomentrophobia, Chronomentrophobia!**- erson around half past one, last Wednesday. The victim was not alone at the time, drinking sake with his friend Kevin... Kevin... Damn, the name escapes me. The Method Man quickly subdued them both, taking a certain part of Kevin and putting it on a nearby dresser before bashing it with a spiked bat. BLAOW! As this was going on, he had tied Rolf to a bedpost. The victim testified that the offender took a clothes hanger and left it in the fireplace for like thirty minutes before inserting it into his..." I don't know this word. "- Into his... Spectrum 'real slow'." The Inspector made a motion as if inserting something into something while making a "TSSSSSSSSS" noise._ **Holy fuck, Ed; Double-D fainted!**

* * *

"Oh, no, Eddy!" Ed, looking up from his comic book, saw that Eddy had been right; Double-D was out cold.

"I don't think he appreciated the methods of the Method Man." Eddy snickered, trying hard not to burst out laughing full force as he saw that Jimmy had managed to fall asleep in the midst of the nonsense story.

"I wanted to know what happened next!" The lovable oaf, who had rushed to his passed out friend's side, shook him lightly before gripping his wrist. "I have a pulse!"

"Good; I doubt Marie Kanker would let you live if you had scared her 'Oven Mitt' to death. Grab Sockhead and let's get the hell out of here, Lumpy; our job here is done!" Eddy threw one last look at Jimmy sleeping peacefully before making his way to the door.

"Do you think Double-D will want to continue the story telling after tonight, Eddy?" Ed, who had flung his lifeless friend over his shoulder, tip toed after the scammer.

"You never know, Ed. You just never know."


	4. Twelve Days of Christmas

_It's Christmas Eve and I've only wrapped two fucking presents; Christmas Eve and I've only wrapped two fucking presents and I hate, hate, hate your guts; hate, hate, hate your guts and I'll never talk to you again!_

Double-D: ... That was... Odd.

Eddy: **Let's just... Ignore that. Go on like nothing happened, Sockhead.**

Double-D: Ah, the Holiday season! That magical time of the year-

Eddy: **Hold your reindeer there, Grandpa Christmas! If I'm countin' right-**

Ed: Don't hold your breath, kids!

Eddy: **- we did a damn Christmas thing two chapters ago.**

Double-D: That would seem correct, yes.

Eddy: **So what the hell? 6 months pass between us telling Jimmy a story?**

Double-D: Well, we aren't really suppose to be all too eager to do so.

Eddy: **Like it's believable enough that Cream Puff wouldn't just give up on us!**

Double-D: Eddy, I hardly believe that the time frame in which this story takes place is of much importance to... Well, anybody.

Eddy: **It's the damn principle of lazy ass writing-**

Double-D: There's a very simple explanation to this, Eddy; time flows differently for us.

Eddy: **You been sipping egg nog with Marie again?**

Double-D: ... I thought we were not to talk about that. _Ever._

Ed: A fine evening indeed!

Double-D: Gentlemen, what I'm trying to say is; while most people perceive time as to being linear-

Eddy: **You lost me.**

Double-D: A straight line, they experience time in a straight line; beginning to end.

Eddy: **Aight, I can respect.**

Double-D: Meanwhile, we experience it as being more of a bowl full of...

Ed: Wibbly wobbly timey-wimey jelly?

Double-D: Excellent parable, Ed.

Eddy: **The fuck is that supposed to mean?!**

Double-D: A fine example, remember the summer we spent as twelve-year olds?

Eddy: **Of course; not a damn scam worked that year!**

Double-D: Not without reason, Eddy. My point is; we experienced little more than a hundred notable 'Ed-ventures', some stretching over a noticeable period of days, whilst our summer vacation consisted of about seventy-eight days.

Eddy: **So?**

Double-D: The example proves my theorem! We are and have been in a state of temporal flux, heavens know for how long!

Ed: Holy timepiece!

Double-D: Quite so, quite so... Unfortunately, I think we better begin the telling of the tale; we've yet again demonstrated the differentials between our contributions to the narrative within the narrative while managing to include some obscure science and popular references that made this whole introduction redundantly long. Come along, fellows; yet another chance to spread the Christmas cheer!

Ed: Like the warm butter that melts upon the Christmas toast!

Eddy: **Hey, come back here! Was that some kind of science-y geek way of saying we're immortal?! Double-D! You better know that don't count as my Christmas gift!**

* * *

"I don't even know why I bother anymore."

"Because _someone _just had to go and offer him... I don't know, is it 11 or 13 stories?"

"It depends on how you see it, just like whether or not that last one counts as one or just one half."

"So it's like whether it's 8.5 or 9?"

"My brain hurts, guys."

"Yes, I'm not quite sure about the order myself."

"Screw the order, on with the story!"

"I agree, Jimmy; is it not the stories told and the ones yet to come that are important?"

"... What the fuck are we even talking about?!"

"Language, Eddy." It was that magical time of the year again; Kwanzaa. The three storytellers had once again been coaxed by Jimmy to continue their task and, in honor of the holiday, had been asked to tell the most fantastic Kwanzaa story they could think of. Or Hanukkah story. Or Christmas. Whichever suited them best.

"Let's just get this over with, I can feel my skin getting wrinkled by the minute." To avoid the last Christmas debacle that Ed so pleasantly caused by climbing up the chimney, the customer of their service had, with the help of said Ed, relocated his bed to the living room where a roaring fire was... Roaring.

"Certainly, certainly." Double-D took a sip of the egg nog Jimmy had so graciously prepared for them and cleared his throat. "Eddy, any suggestions to a story?"

"Huh?" Eddy, who by now was much more comfortable leaning against things whenever a story was being told, stopped analyzing the small black dots that decorated the Christmas cookies that had been baked mere hours earlier. "You think _I _prep for this? You've been telling the stories so far, Stockinghead!"

"And I helped with details!" Ed quite simply sat there on a stool next to Jimmy's bed and grinned, for there is not much else to do when one is mummified in several sheets and many feet of rope.

"I just felt the need to give you an honest chance to weigh in, seeing how this was your scam to begin with!"

"Alright, alright; don't get your Christmas balls all tangled up."

"Oy..." The brains of the bunch buried his face in his hands as he felt his cheeks heat up.

"... Aight, I got a thing. It ain't much but, you know, I remember mom doing it a few times." After much consideration, he took a bite out of the cookie and tried to remember the basis of what he was about to tell.

"Make us all proud, Eddy."

* * *

_**On the first day of Christmas-**_

* * *

"Eddy, that's a Christmas carol!" Double-D pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed for the first of many times that night.

"I don't know much, Double-D, but even I know my Dickens."

"Heh, Ed knows his own di-"

"Gentlemen, please! I meant that 'The Twelve Days of Christmas' is supposed to be sung!"

"Unless you're a piper!"

"Pardon, Ed?"

"Allow me to explain!"

* * *

_"What's tonight's story Double-D?" Jimmy was already in bed, cover pulled up to his chin in excitement; he found that the Ed's different narratives added gusto to the story._

_"Well, since we are a mere twelve days from Christmas-"_

_"TWELVE PIPERS PIPING; OH BOY, OH BOY!"_

_"I thought we'd read something fitting with that very theme!" Double-D decided to ignore Ed's sidetracking; the latter had thrown the window open to look for twelve piper's piping._

* * *

All except Ed, who after slamming his whole face onto the plate was calmly munching away on four cookies at once, looked around the room in bewilderment.

"Pardon the expression, but what in the blazes was that?!" There was not one logical explanation that came up in the beanie covered head that could explain the simpleton's explanation.

"It's like the whole focus of the room shifted from this moment to another time..." Jimmy, even though he had managed to gain some courage after breaking up a vicious fight between Eddy and Sarah some time ago, pulled the cover up to his mouth, frightened. "Déjà vu..."

"Ed, what the hell did you do?"

"It was time for something completely different!" Ed flashed his crumb covered teeth and Double-D quickly looked away, holding his stomach; not only because his friend's cookie smeared smile was absolutely revolting but also because the theory of Ed mastering the particle physics of a nonsense framing device for the sake of utter nonsense was nauseating.

"Let's please just move on with our lives. Eddy; sing the song, tell the song, just _please_ do it." As a matter of fact, that last paragraph was utterly nonsensical in itself.

"Yes, do it!" I like nonsense.

"Aight, aight, chill; you can't rush genius!" As you might've noticed. So here's a whole heap of Christmas-y nonsense!

* * *

**_'Twas the night before-_ **Wrong tale, Eddy. **Then what am I doing? **'Twelve Days of Christmas'. **Oh, right; damn.**

**_On the first day of Christmas, my true love- _What the hell am I supposed to say when I ain't got no 'true love'? **It's called 'artistic licence', Eddy. You don't really think that we experienced 'The Night Before Christmas', do you? I think we lived through 'The Nightmare Before Christmas' once. ... Ed, you're scaring me with your logically illogical knowledge of the known universe again. **Can I just tell the damn story? **By all means, Eddy.

_**On the first day of Christmas, my good friends gave to me; a jawbreaker that lasts a week!**_

Partridge; it's supposed to be 'partridge in a pear tree'. **Two things; nobody knows what the hell that is and nobody cares where fruit comes from. **San Francisco! ... For heaven's sake, Ed; we talked about making these kinds of jokes. **Hey, maybe that's what this story needs! **No... No- Just no! **Come on; don't get your- **Refer to certain parts of my anatomy and liken it to Christmas decorations again, Eddy; I dare you.

_**On the second day of Christmas, my good friends gave to me; one double-dare and a jawbreaker that lasts a week!**_

One double-dare? **Yeah, _two _dares!** ... Clever as it was, I understood it. But what is a double-dare supposed to be? Say what again! W-what? Say what again! I dare you; I double-dare you, motherfucker! Ed, whatever has gotten into you?! **Relax, Sockhead; it's a quote from 'Pulp Fiction', remember? **I'm afraid that movie is rather repressed after watching the scene in the shop basement where Bruce Willis subdues the... Gimp. Language! **Marsellus Wallace sure looked like a bitch to me in that scene! **Eddy, please; just continue!

_**On the third day of Christmas, my buddies gave to me; three skanky Kankers-**_Eddy, I must protest! **What? It doesn't have to be about Marie; they could have cousins or something!- _one double-dare and a jawbreaker that lasts a week!_**

Eddy, change the line about Marie and her sisters. **Or what, you gonna double-dare me? Already got that for Christmas! **Is that right? So you would be overjoyed if you woke up Christmas Day to find Lee Kanker just waiting for you under your tree- **Aight, I'll change it.- **wrapped up in nothing but festive wrapping just waiting to be torn off- **Aight, I get your point!- **before you can finally remove the three strategically placed red ribbons that barely cover up- **ALRIGHT, I GET IT; I'M SORRY! Geez, Double-D; Marie's really done a number on you. **I'll take that as a compliment, thank you.

_**On the third day of Christmas, my buddies gave to me; three Russian mail brides, one double-dare and a jawbreaker that lasts a week!**_

I'm sorry, three Russian mail brides? **Yeah, it's when you send in an order for- **I'm familiar with the concept, Eddy, but what I'm asking is; three Russian _mail _brides? **Yeah, you got a problem with the way I'm telling the story? **Not at all, just quite curious about your choice of 'three Russian _mail _brides'. **What're you, stuck on repeat? **Said the fellow reading the world's most monotonous Christmas carol.

_**On the fourth day of Christmas, my buddies gave to me; four-ty malt liquor, three Russian mail bride- **_**Wait a minute... **Give him a moment, gentlemen. **_Mail..._ **He's almost there. **WHOA THERE, BACK THE FUCK UP! **And the boy gets a cigar.

_**On the fourth day of Christmas, my buddies gave to me; four-ty malt liquor, three Hobbit pipes, one double-dare and a jawbreaker that lasts a week!**_

I say- **You know, it'd be nice to go one verse without being interrupted. **It would be quite pleasant to go one verse without alcohol and sex references in it. **Then you're gonna love this one!**

_**On the fifth day of Christmas, my homies gave to me; diiiiimebag of weeeeeeeed! **_Oh, lord. _**Four-twenty soon, three Hobbit pipes, puff, puff and pass and a jawbreaker that lasts a week!**_

**Doubt that thing's gonna last for a week after that verse. **Jimmy, I extend my sincerest apologies over the content of this- **_What happened on the- on the- *insert an onomatopoeia for yawning of your choice* on the sixth day,__ Eddy_? I'll tell yah, Squirt!**

_**On the sixth day of Christmas, my homies gave to me; six shots of whiskey, diiiiiimebag of weeeeeeed! Four-ty malt liquor, three Hobbit pipes, one double-dare and a jawbreaker that lasts a week!**_

Eddy, wherever did you pick all this talk of smoking, drinking and sexual relations up? All hail television and the internet! **Amen to that, Monobrow!**

_**On the seventh day of Christmas, my hombres gave to me; seven-teen seventy-six shots of whiskey, diiiiimebag of weeeeeeed! Four DUI's, three trips to jail, two soap bars dropped and a jawbreaker that lasts a week!**_

**See, Sockhead; 1776? I know stuff too! **Eddy, I've never doubted your intelligence- **Wish I could say the same for Ed. **You rang?- I merely think that it would be beneficial to find a more productive way to express it. **Well, Honeybun, I just don't feel like you express yourself sexually to me in the way you used to, so there could be that. **THAT'S IT! You get one more chance, Eddy, before I wash my hands of this whole ordeal and leave! **Okay, okay; I'll behave! Don't get your- **Eddy, I- **It was a joke! Listen, day eight!**

_**On the eighth day of Christmas, my good friends gave to me; eight tiny reindeer, seven-hundred pounds of Santa, six broken sled bolts, fiiiiiive burnt out eeeeeeelves! Four bags of gifts, three ho, ho, ho's, two mistletoe's and a jawbreaker that'll live longer than I'll do!**_

Well, it was certainly more in touch with the Holiday spirit. **See how I referenced 'The Night Before- **Yes, quite clever, if I may say so. **Yeah, I thought 'twas too! **Try my patience and see- **C'mon; do like Rockefeller Center and li****ghten up, Double-D!****  
**

_**On the ninth day of Christmas, my guy friends gave to me; nine vintage Playboys- **_Well, it was nice while it lasted.- **_eight kegs of Duff beer, seven ICU trips, six shots of whiskey, diiiiiimebag of weeeeeeed! _Man, even I don't think this is funny anymore. _Four forty-fours, three slugs between my two shoulder blades and a bag that collects all my pee!_**

**_On the tenth day of Christmas, my guy friends gave to me; ten different bar rounds, nine pints of Duff beer, eight shots of Jäger, seven fake numbers, six shots of whiskey, fiiiiiiive slaps in the faaaaaaaaace! Go four it now, quarter-to-three-hookup, two fake boobs and an incurable venereal disease!_**

Nothing says Christmas cheer like a trip to the Health clinic! **Am I right?**

_**On the eleventh day of Christmas, I gave these things to me; eleven deadly vipers, ten vats of acid, nine feet of rope, eight brake lines cut, seven sharpened knives, six rounds of bullets, fiiiiiiiive jars of piiiiiiiiills! Four-ty four magnum, three horseback rides, double-headed axe and a fall that is sure to kill me!**_

Eddy! That is just too morbid for a bed time- **But it's so damn boring! **I told you it was monotonous! **I wasn't paying attention. **Unbelievable. **Seriously, it's all fine and dandy up until three, possibly four, but then there's the _fiiiiiive golden thiiiiiings _that you gotta hear like seven more times! **Five golden rings. **Really? Damn, could've made more Hobbit jokes with that. Whatever, point is, it's just too damn long! **I was afraid of this very thing happening.

* * *

"What, me getting bored with it?"

"Quite frankly, yes, though you fared better than my expectation; my estimation was somewhere around the seventh day."

"Really? You have no faith in me?"

"That's not to say I don't, I do; I merely observe the track record of these sessions and-"

"'Twas old and stupid; get over it!"

"Oh no! I was simply trying to share the Christmas feeling I was experiencing, which you so elegantly managed to pollute with drug references every other sentence!"

"It's called 'artistic licence', I was just trying to add a little humor! Besides, why you putting all the blame on me?! You wanna talk about how Ed did last time?"

"Leave Ed out of this; choice of comic book aside, he certainly made a better job than you did here today!"

"Aha! You admit it; you thought it sucked!"

"I admit to no such thing; I only commented upon the lack of effort you put into-"

"_'Eddy, your story lacks effort! Eddy, your homework lacks effort! Eddy, the way you dress is not satisfactory enough to me and quite frankly, lacks effort!'_"

"... What?"

"I don't know! I'm just making stuff up on the spot here while you've been reading from a damn book every time!"

"Oh, you're saying that I would not fare as well in the art of 'making it up as you go along'!"

"Maybe I am!" Nonsense. Such pure and utter nonsense. I think that with all the seriousness and consistency we encounter every day in our lives, we need a little nonsense every now and then; wouldn't you agree, Ed?

"Sure would, Mr. Freeman!"

"**Ed, hush!**" The two bickering friends didn't even spare him a glance, who was quite peacefully watching the events transpire in front of him as he sat there next to the sleeping Jimmy, who once again had managed to fall asleep in the midst of all the ruckus the story had caused. It wasn't too long before Double-D decided to storm out dramatically in a huff with Eddy quickly following, still raving on and on about the age and stupidity of 'The Night Before Christmas'. Chuckling to himself over his friends antics, he looked down upon his sleeping friend, whom he'd come to consider to be something of a baby brother over time, and sighed; boring as it may have been, Double-D and Eddy's fight had come between the finishing of the story.

Some things just never seems to change, especially the traditions we are ever so fond of. Not to say that this per se was tradition, far from it considering the two had spent a considerable amount of time rescuing Ed from Jimmy's chimney together last year. Or maybe last week. Was it important? Heavens no. What was important however in that very moment was that young Ed felt happy. Happy over the fact that it was Christmas, happy that he once again got to spend it with his friends, happy that Jimmy made his special raisin-bran cookies that Ed loved so much this year again.

Still, Ed couldn't help but feel a sense of duty when he watched Jimmy lying there in the middle of his living room, to tell him the end of the story Although, it's of course possible that Eddy's unfinished story-told-song would count as another story ticked off the Eds' final record, or maybe it quite simply wouldn't, or maybe it really didn't matter in the end. Who knows?

Alright, Ed; you're up!

* * *

_On the twelfth day of Christmas, Moffat gave to us all; twelve- no, thirteen Doctors, eleven cool fezzes, ten pairs of sand shoes, nine planet's North, eight boots that fit, seven cups of tea, six cans of carrot juice, fiiiiiive celeriiiieeees! Four-teen feet of scarf, three rapid rounds, Enemy of the World and a Gallifrey that no longer falls!_

_To William Hartnell that started it all!_

* * *

That was fantastic, Ed. Absolutely brilliant; thank you so much for that. Now, run along with you; I'm sure Double-D and Eddy will claw each other to pieces otherwise!

"Merry Christmas, Mr. Freeman!"

Merry Christmas to you too, Ed.

And so, the young Ed cast one last look on his sleeping friend and stood up, taking the stool to which he was still very much tied to with him, before rushing best he could after his two friends whom he found standing under a street light, arguing about curses and rusty worn nuts or something equally silly again. If only they could, at least for now, stop so he could rush home and go to bed, for that was one thing that made his heart warm; knowing that the three of them were going to spend tomorrow, the most magical day of the year, together as the best of friends. And their faces when they opened their presents from him; oh, how surprised they would be!

But that is, as they say, another tale for another time.

So from all of me, to all of you, on whatever magical holiday it is you celebrate this time of year; a whole heap of magical nonsense.

Happy Kwanzaa. Happy Hanukkah. Merry Christmas. I'm back, bitches.


End file.
